“it makes me wonder if i die tomorrow would you care? you would. i know you would. i keep telling myself you would. but it would be tears of shock escaping your eyes. not sadness. because you wouldn’t be sad that you lost someone like me, but you would be in shock that someone like me could be lost. you always thought i would be there, trailing behind. but i’m not going to sit around and be walked over, i refuse to be your doormat.”—
I feel sometimes, nobody’s ever held me down and forced me to cry or make me hug them or got inside of me. It’s like i say “Oh i’m fine” and i walk away, and nobody has ever said “no your not”. Lately these days there’s a feeling inside of me i can’t seem to make disappear. No many hours of sleep can make it disappear. A feeling i usually choose to ignore and push away those even the ones i love most i never let them come close to it, even for a glimpse. It’s a feeling that most would say they hate but i can say i sometimes please myself with it. A feeling of anger of the greatest fury, sad i know. Almost as though i just want to punch a million mindless things to feel finally free. Not even the darkest of souls can get away with this i can’t even chiefly express it. So i continue to sit and smile, laugh and joke the way i usually do. Just to let you know deep deep inside there’s an anger of the greatest fury but for now i don’t need to express it. The walks alone and the quietest of times is when i express it. In my mind a thousand thoughts running past me. No need to express but bottle up inside. Someday someone might hold me down, force me to cry, make me hug them… and maybe for once i won’t reply with “oh i’m fine” but merely stop in a single pace and tell myself that i’m not. But not now though, i’ll find the right person to fall apart in front of, but not for a long while, i never explode.
“i am so disgusted with myself. i look into the mirror and hate what i see. i constantly compare myself to other girls and it tears me up. i’m fascinated with beauty, i want to feel wanted like those other girls. you have no idea how hard it is. to feel even decent i have to wear nice clothing from expensive stores, have straightened hair, and most importantly tons of makeup. i binge on food all day one day, and the next barely anything all day. i know it isn’t healthy but i hate my body. i hate my face. i’m losing my mind.”—
“She thinks about you non-stop, and you’re all she talks about. When she talks to you she always has that bright smile, and truly looks happy. With one hug you make her melt and always leave her with butterflies and at the same time, when she’s upset your usually the reason. But she refuses to see any flaws in you. And no matter how many people try to tell her different, she believes your perfect for her and worth every second of the wait, and she’s too scared to tell you any of this because she doesn’t want to mess anything up. And doesn’t want to end up hurt, once more.”—